Monday, July 26, 2010

Left Boot, Left Boot, Left Boot - Right.

So, the boot that I have been wearing on my left foot all summer long, has been a magnet for circumstantial funny moments.  Who knew that my boot, that I jokingly tell people "my left foot has been confined to for bad behavior", would be the perfect source of writing material for a stand-up comic routine? So much so, in fact, that when the boot comes off, I may consider wearing punishment devices for other parts of my body - my left arm has been behaving VERY badly, lately. 

The first thing that is funny about the boot - is the boot itself.  It is not the sexiest boot in the world, although I have a friend who INSISTS that I MAKE it look sexy.  Everyone needs a friend like her to tell you these things, even though you know it isn't true.  Other friends have been a bit more honest about the boot, calling me "Transformer", "Robot Foot", or more recently,"What's the name of R2-D2's friend? C3PO", from Star Wars. 

One friend just calls me "DSW". 

     "Where did you get such an atractive looking shoe?  DSW?"  he asked, the first time he saw me with it on. 

Another friend offered to lend me her matching right boot, from a previous injury.  That way, I would have a matching set, WHICH, I was considering because one of the challenges of wearing the boot, is finding a shoe to wear on my OTHER foot that is close to the same height.  Otherwise, with every step, I would look like I was attempting a step-aerobics routine......................without the step..............and without the music. 


I did find two pairs of shoes that were close enough in height, and I trade them off to coordinate with my outfits, which is also funny because my boot does not really coordinate with ANYTHING.  Not the color, so much (boring, industrial shade of gray).  It's something about the  Robot fashion is just not in, unless you are under 3 feet tall, watch "Dora the Explorer", and take naps in the afternoon because you are FORCED to.      

As for people noticing the boot, they either seem to notice it right away, or not at all.  The funny thing is that it has become such a part of me, that I forget about it, so when people ask me, "What happened?", I look at them with a blank stare.  "Did I miss something?" I think.  Then, they point to my foot. 

(Lightbulb)  "OHHHHH!  THAT thing."

On the other hand, I went to a bowling party one night with some friends.  I bowled the entire night with one bowling shoe, and one boot.  While I almost fell flat on my face on my first attempt, I pulled it together, and ended up bowling better than I normally do.  At the end of the night, when I was saying my "good-byes", my girlfriend looked at my foot and said,

     "Where did THAT come from?"   

I proceded to tell her my story. 

Another friend (with useful advice) told me that I really should come up with a more exciting story than the truth.  The truth is that I "think" I broke the bones in my foot when I was jumping up and down on my front, ice covered steps last December.  For fear that one of the giant icicle weapons dangling from my roof, would fall off, impaling one of my children or, heaven forbid, THE UPS MAN, I was trying to remove them by knocking them off with a shovel. 


     and even with my two and a half inch heels on, I needed to jump up, in order to reach the massive,

hanging stalactites.

I was wearing a different kind of boot that day - on both feet, actually.  Black, coming up to the top of my calves, and as I mentioned before, a two and a half inch heel.  DEFINITELY fashionable, but absolutely NO shock absorption.  When I came down from one of my jumps, I felt a funny "shock" feeling around my big toe.


So, this is what I tell people when they ask me, as I have yet to come up with something more exciting, as well as convincing.  Besides, I don't want Child Protective Services coming after me.     

I did tell a fellow soccer parent, however, that it was a HEREDITARY DEFECT.

"All of the people in my family eventually grow a boot on their left foot," I told him, and mentioned that my youngest son (who was standing right next to me) would eventually grow one, too. 

"I am hoping that it won't affect his soccer skills", I said. 

BUT, the soccer parent did not believe me, and neither did my son.

One thing that I have discovered since the boot, is that some parking lots have spaces reserved for people in need of "Special Accomodations".  A friend of mine was driving at the time, and when he pulled into the spot, I told him he could not park there, and pointed to the sign.  He immediately pointed to my boot. 

"Oh," I said, realizing how "special" I was.

(Side note -  I could write an entire paragraph about people who would be in need of "special accomodations parking", but I will save that for another story.)

Moving along (or hobbling, in my case)...................

That same day, it was "Take Your Left Boot To The Movies" day.  As the young man at the ticket counter was asking me about my foot, I turned around to notice that the lady behind me ALSO had a boot on her LEFT FOOT.  The young man and I were laughing, but SHE was not. 

"I've had mine on for SIX MONTHS.  Hope you have better luck," she said, as she moved ahead to purchase her tickets.

"Six months?  Ugh!"  I thought, and proceded toward the "ticket collector".

"Hey, check it out!" said the ticket collector, as I approached.  He lifted his pants leg to show off his boot ON HIS LEFT FOOT.  "I have one, too!"

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" I said.  "What is this, take your left boot to the movies day?  Do I get a discount?"  I asked.  "Are they showing My Left (boot) Foot?"

As we laughed about it, a woman walked past and smiled.  She was on to our joke, so    
I couldn't resist.

     "I'm sorry, Mam," I said, "but clearly, you do not have a boot on your left foot, so I'm afraid we cannot allow you to enter the theatre."

Oddly, she laughed.............. and went ahead, anyways.

After watching the movie "Cyrus", which only added to the day, with its odd humor and slightly disturbing story line, I merged in with the other movie-goers to exit the theatre, and ended up behind my fellow "lady with the boot" friend.  While I am hoping I will only have to wear my boot for another four weeks, and not the six months that this woman has had to endure, there are some benefits to wearing the boot:

1)  When I am missing my "shoe", I only have to look for one, instead of two; however, sometimes I          forget, and go on searching FOREVER for that SECOND SHOE!

2)  I only have to paint the toenails on my right foot.

3)  My left calf muscle is becoming quite defined, and looking GOOD! 
Still, I am hoping the boot will be off before I go on vacation.  I am looking forward to my walks on the beach with my larger, left calf, and my right foot - painted toenails, and the only one with tan lines. 

As a good friend of mine mentioned, in the meantime, I will continue to be a walking Dr. Seuss book -
                  "Left boot, left boot, left boot - Right."    


  1. Can't believe you are still wearing that thing. I think I am going to have to start a "boot"y yoga class so you can come back and join us! Enjoyed reading the piece.

  2. Yep! And I am MISSING YOGA! Hoping to get it off in 3 weeks. At least I got a story out of it!

  3. Love the new look on the blog! LOVE the boot story- I must tell you that way back when I worked at Giant as a cashier, I had to wear a similar boot... I got SO SICK of people asking what happened, that I replied that it was a genetic defect. The poor guy was horrified... I still feel badly about that... so it was nice to see that there is someone else in the world as mean as me. haha.

  4. Yay! Glad you like it. Wanted to freshen it up, a bit. Too funny about the "genetic defect" comment.