Anomaly

Moving.
Going through the motions; collecting.
Memories.
One by one.
Mechanical.
Emotionless.
Just, collecting.
Putting them in bags, in boxes, steel vaults.
Sealing them up with ties, with tape, with locks.
Shipwrecked debris, barely surviving; drifting along.
Staring up into nothing.
Thinking nothing.
Feeling. . .
   nothing.

Until, a strange sight comes into view.

There, in the corner, above the bedroom window,
   where the wall meets the ceiling,
sits . . .  a frog.  

  

Shit, Plop, and Crash - 3 Short Stories

SHIT

Toilets.

They clog.

And, when you aren't accustomed to using a particular toilet,
   there is no telling the load that it can hold.
I felt like I was in the movie "Along Came Polly", only I wasn't Polly.

                               I was Reuben.

There was no pet ferret to interfere, however, there was a pet rat.
Fortunately, she was caged, and not allowed to run about the house.

It was pretty early in the relationship,
and I was not prepared to expose myself in such a "girlfriends are human" kind of way.

FORTUNATELY, I found a plunger.

UNfortunately, while plunging the toilet, the bowl overfloweth(ed).

                        SHIT.

"Um, Mike?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have any towels that could be used to clean up a, um, mess?"

"What KIND of a mess?"

"Um, like a, um . . . "overflowed toilet" mess?"

"Do you need help?"

"NO. No. NOoooo.  DEFINITELY not. UNDER control. 
  Soooooo . . .
     where are the towels???"

PLOP

Cheesecake.
A very delicate matter.
Especially, when dropped upon the floor.

We picked one up at the local grocery store.

Looking through the glass case of mouth-watering(ly) enticing confections,
   we chose IT over the others - all chocolate crusted, and drizzled in all of its sweet chocolate(ness).
It made it from the store to the car.  Just.  Fine.
It made it from the car to my friend's house.

Just.

Fine.

"OOooooo, that looks GOOD," people said.

"Let me take it out of the box," said I.

Remember that scene in the episode of FRIENDS,
   where Rachael and Chandler are fighting over the cheesecake?
Rachael carries the cheesecake out into the hallway of their apartment building, when she trips, and . . .

PLOP.

"OOoohhhhhhhhh," the people sighed.

Cheesecake DOWN.

I suppose, like the FRIENDS episode,
   we could have gotten down on our hands and knees with our forks.
We had brownies for dessert, instead.

CRASH

Two things about red wine:

1) It stains.

2) The bottle is made of glass.

My boyfriend and I went to the grocery store to pick up a few things:
Gatorade, bananas, orange juice, yogurt, salt, and two of my favorite bottles of wine.

They were on sale.

We went to the checkout line (15 items or less),
where my boyfriend and I debated whether or not an 8-pack of Gatorade
counted as 1, or 8 items.

Anyways . . .

After the checkout person rang up the items and bagged our groceries,
   we placed them in the cart, and rolled them out to the curb.
Carefully picking up each bag, and balancing the weight between both arms, we . . .

CRASH.

One of the wine bottles dropped STRAIGHT THOUGH THE BOTTOM OF THE BAG.

REALLY???

Red wine ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK.

Red wine ALL OVER my WHITE shoes.

"OOoooohhhhhhh," the people sighed.

Wine bottle DOWN.

The very nice, non-English speaking cart collector
picked up the neck of the bottle from the ground (the only piece of the bottle that was left),
   and motioned for me to go inside to get a new one.
I could understand him well enough to make out the words "should have" and "double bag".

Yes.

They should have double-bagged the wine bottles.
Thank you, sweet man, for not making me feel like an idiot.
Of course, he was not aware of the previous toilet and cheesecake incidents.

It started with a manila file folder . . .

It started with a manila file folder.

I needed one to store some of my papers.
It was the Saturday morning before Christmas - no sign of garlands strewn about the house,
but several preschool papers, crafts, and gifts from parents, in addition to unread mail
strewn across the kitchen table and countertops.
Most teachers will understand.  

"Okay.  I need to do something about this," I said to myself.

So, I went in search of a folder.

I had an idea where they were - underneath some papers, piled up on top of my desk.

In order to get to the folders,
I had to TOUCH the papers,
which caused me to NOTICE the papers,
which caused me to READ the papers,
which THEN caused me to SORT THROUGH the papers . . .

ONE-BY-ONE.

I, THEN, decided I needed to sort through all of the OTHER piles of papers,
spread around
   all about,
and throughout
my office.

And, somewhere (during this process), 
I noticed the artwork on the walls.

"I should move THIS picture here, and THAT picture there," I thought.  

So, I did.

But, I decided I liked it better the OTHER way,
   so I moved them back.

"I should HANG this picture (that had been sitting on my desk, collecting dust for an eternity),"
   I thought, too.

But, I need a nail.

And, a hammer.

So, I opened the drawer to get a nail, and discovered the pile of manila file folders.

A HA!  Just where I left them.

So, I pulled out the files, took them into the kitchen,
   and began to sort through my school paperwork.

Later on that day . . . 

"Why is this hammer lying on the counter?"

Cottage Number 4

It is my place.
My place where I feel inspired, where I feel at peace, where I feel grounded.
And, like holding a favorite coffee-filled mug in my hands, there is sweet comfort in its familiarity.

It had been too long since my last visit, and with the kids away for Thanksgiving,
   it seemed the perfect time.  I packed up the car, and Charlie and I hit the road,
joining all of the holiday traffic.

As I suspected, 95 South was a mess, but once we hit the 295 split, the road opened up.
The sudden opportunity for space was too enticing to ignore,
   and I challenged my car to speeds we had not reached before.

Maybe I'd better slow down, I thought.

Maybe . . . not.

It rained steadily throughout the drive, and by the time I reached the bridge,
   I was feeling the lateness (or the earliness) of the hour.
When I reached the other side, I pulled into a 7-Eleven for a bottle of water
and something to eat, then continued on to search the dark and empty beach road
for cottage number 4.

As I pulled into the driveway, the rain was falling heavily, blowing sideways from the wind.
With no rain jacket on, I stepped onto the tiny little front porch, in search of the lockbox.
Too dark to see, I used the light from my cell phone to read the tiny little numbers
   on the combination lock.

It was 3:00 in the morning.  

As I attempted to open the box, Charlie yapped from the inside of the car,
   and I suddenly realized I really had to pee.
It took me six tries before I finally opened the lockbox, and out popped the key -
   the key to my cottage, my humble abode, my love nest, my writing lair,
my quiet little space for the next several days.

I unlocked the door, and after making several trips to unload the car (and use the bathroom),
   I stood very, very still.

Breathe in, breathe out, and just . . .  NOTICE.

Charming, quaint, cozy, eclectic - perfect.

Cottage number 4.

"Who" Done It? Top 10 (plus 2) "Things I Can't Blame on the Kids"

It's summertime.

One kid is at college, one is on a school trip, and the other is at the beach.  

It is just ME and the DOG.

So, who do I BLAME (besides the dog)???

Top 10 (plus 2) "Things I Cannot Blame on the Kids":

12) WHO moved my KEYS? I put them RIGHT THERE. WHO MOVED them?

11) Dishwasher needs emptying.  Whose turn is it?

10) And, whose turn is it to take out the trash?

 9) WHO USED THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER??!!

 8) Who left the light on?

 7) Who . . . FARTED?

 6) Would somebody please let the dog out?  If only he had hands . .      

 5) WHO FORGOT TO FLUSH??

 4) WHO MADE THIS MESS??!!

 3) WHO LEFT THE TV ON?

 2) WHO IS LICKING MY TOES? Oh, wait. I guess that WOULD be the dog.  

And, the Number 1 "Thing I Cannot Blame on the Kids":

WHY IS NOBODY ANSWERING ME??!!

Today, We Walk

I was feeling worn down by the day-to-day, and I needed to get out of my head.
One hopeful stare from Charlie, and I read his mind.
Or, maybe it was he who read mine.

We were both longing for an adventure.  

  "Let's go," I said, as I grabbed his leash, and the two of us hopped in the car.

Sunroof open.
Windows down.
Charlie, with his face to the wind.

As we turned down the familiar drive, Charlie could barely contain himself.

  "Easy, Charlie," I said, as I pulled the car into park, and hooked his leash to his collar.

Together, we stepped out into the day, and I was immediately consumed.

The blue of the sky,
   the green of the trees,
the stark white of the clouds -

FILLING ME WITH VIBRANCE.  

Charlie was eager to experience all that awaited him.
As we stepped out onto the dirt-covered path, he pulled against his leash.
He was expecting to walk at our normal, fast pace.

But, today, I was not in a hurry. 

Charlie looked back at me with anticipation.

   "Come on!" he seemed to say.  "What are you waiting for?"

Today, Charlie, we are taking it slow.  

After a few gentle tugs on the leash, he seemed to understand.

Today, we walk.
Not for exercise, or to work up a sweat.
Not to see how fast we can make it around the lake.
Today we walk to relax, to be in the moment, to clear our minds.

Disappointed at first, Charlie settled into the slower pace.
Now, we were in sync.
And, my mind was in a quiet enough place to notice.

I noticed the gravel, loose and shifting beneath my feet.
I noticed the sun, warm and soothing against my face.
I noticed the clouds, softly floating across the sky.
I noticed the lake - glistening reflections, rippling across the water.      
And, the fragrance of the flowers, softly carried on a breeze.

I noticed all of these things.  

And, OH, THE CHILD-LIKE JOY!
   of walking up and over each small trestle.
That marvelous archway raised above the trickling and tranquil sounds of the creek.
With each strong step, the familiar awareness of the worn, wooden planks, underneath.

Yes.

Today, Charlie, on this GLORIOUS DAY, we walk.
We walk to appreciate.
We walk to renew.
So that when we return to the day-to-day, the weight of our troubles is not so much.
Today, we just . . . walk.  

Don't Leave Your Knives on the Stove

It was a normal morning.

I came downstairs, let Charlie outside, and filled his bowls with fresh water and food.
I filled my Moka pot with fresh water, as well, and freshly ground coffee, placed it on the stove, and turned on the burner.

It was a normal morning, except . . .

Normally, as I would wait for my little espresso maker to perform its magic,
   I would sit at the kitchen counter and check my e-mails on my laptop.
This particular day, however,
I went into the next room to use my desktop computer.

A good amount of time had gone by.

I am not sure how long.
And, I heard a strange noise.
I walked into the kitchen,
   turned the corner,
and to my surprise . . .

THE ENTIRE TOP OF THE STOVE WAS IN FLAMES.

I was extremely calm, considering.

I stood and assessed the situation.
The flames were well contained on top of the stove.
I cleared the area around it, and turned off the electric burner.
As the burner began to cool down, the flames began to dissipate,
   only burning on top of the burner that had been turned on . . .

   the burner that was SUPPOSED to be the burner where my coffee pot stood . . .

   the burner where, INSTEAD, all of my good knives had been laying out to dry,
      from when I washed them, the night before.

I have never watched knives burn, before.

It does not smell good.

It does not look good.

And, it creates a thick, gray smoke that makes your eyes burn.

I sprinkled a little water on the flame, to see how it would react.
Then, I sprinkled a little more.
Until, finally, I poured water from a glass, until the flame was gone,
   leaving only the remnants of knives,
their rubber handles melted into the glass-topped stove.

Then, began the mad rush . . .
opening every window and door;
grabbing chairs from random rooms to reach the smoke detectors
that were blaring out my stupidity to the world.

I have never liked the smell of air freshener.

But, if anytime there was a need for one, it was now.
I remembered my daughter, and her love for Febreze.
She used to spray it around the house, to everyone's displeasure.
I grabbed the blue bottle from the closet, and began spraying it around the house,
   running away from the fragrance, as I sprayed.  
All the while, I held my breath, until I felt I had thoroughly deodorized the entire house,
whence upon I made a mad rush to the fresh air, outdoors.

EXHALE.

Sirens in the distance.

SHIT.

INHALE.

Closer, CLOSER, CLOSER, FARTHER, FARTHER, Farther . . . gone.

EXHALE.

It was a normal morning.

I grabbed Charlie, jumped in the car, and drove to Starbucks.

Don't leave your knives on the stove.