Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Everyone Farts

Okay, I might lose a few of you on this one.  This is definitely not one of my  "Page Three" stories, but please just "bare" with me.

Many of you may know of the children's book, "Everyone Poops", by Taro Gomi.  I would like to write a companion addition (adult version) called, "Everyone Farts."


Everyone farts. 

You can deny it, if you want, but everyone does, and one thing I realized recently, is that the sound of my farts is directly related to the size of my ass.  My ass has been a little bit bigger than I would like it to be, lately, so when I let one loose the other day, I said to myself,

                   "What the HELL was that?" 

It was much lower in pitch and more muffled sounding than what I was used to.  Fortunately, I was in the privacy of my own bedroom, yet here I am, sharing my story with the world - my blog world, which so far, consists of 14 people.  After this story, I may be down to "none".   

But, why NOT share this story?  Afterall, everyone farts!

Sometimes my dog runs away from his farts.  I'll hear a little "toot" sound, and his head turns around so fast,  as if he is asking the same question that I asked -

                           "What the HELL was that?" 

Then, he starts to run away, as if he is being physically chased by his own fart.

And if my ass sounds differently now, than what it used to, just imagine what really BIG asses must sound like.  I suppose I could compare the sounds to musical instruments in a band (my musician parents will kill me).  A really BIG ass fart (I imagine) would sound a lot like a tuba, whereas a tiny, little, skinny ass fart (I imagine), might sound more like a piccolo.

My ass, the other day, sounded more like a trumpet, whereas it once sounded more like a clarinet. 
Funny that I used to play the clarinet in band. 

Anyhow, there was not much melody involved in the fart, but I wonder how Simon Cowell, from American Idol, would have commented? Randy might have said it was "pitchy".

Can you imagine if we had a reality television show called, "America's (Farting) Idol" or "America's Got...............Farts"???  The first televised farting competition.  Afterall, a friend of mine mentioned that she has "talking" farts.  Now, that's talent, for you!  HELL, it can't be any worse than that "Jersey Shore" show, and from what I hear, they would probably smell about the same!

Can you imagine what it would sound like if everyone farted at the same time?  If all of our ass sizes represent the different musical instruments, we would have an entire symphony of farts! 

Some people don't like to use the word "fart".  It is one of those taboo words that they like to disguise.  I asked a few of my friends to share with me their favorite word substitutes or phrases for "fart".

So, to wrap this story up, I will leave you with a little rhyme.
It goes something like this:

Everyone farts.
You can deny it, if you want, but everyone does.

You can call it something else, like a poot, or a toot,
a fizzle, or a niff; a puffle, or a puk.

Who stepped on a duck? Who shot a bunny?
Who cut the cheese? Who let a stinky?"

Let one go, let one fly, let one blow, let one loose,
Pass gas, break wind,cropduster - clear the room!

Scheet, shart;
Call     it     what     you     want.

Any way you say it..........
              it still comes out a fart!

the END !!!

(photo credit - Leslie Morrissette)


  1. It is so funny when our dog farts. The sound of nails furiously running on the tile is heard for no apparent reason. Then we adults just smile and acknowledge, "Rufus farted." It is as if he had no idea it was coming. Me, I can feel the gas bubble travelling through my intestines, but Rufus apparently has no forewarning.

  2. Wow. Now this is a piece that really speaks to me....LOUD and Clear.....I even love the photo ......... I love the laughter! BTW....what about SBD's? LOLOLOLOL!!!

  3. Always enjoy reading your blog. Keep up the good work.

  4. Thanks for the comments, and thanks for following along!

  5. Recently added - "My bottom burped!"