Waiting for a Good Dump

Hold that thought.........................and THAT thought, and THAT thought.......................

     is  what I've been doing, for the last several days. 

I have not had the chance to write since last Thursday,

but a LOT of stories have been compiling in my head, just WAITING to be dumped out on a page.

Yes, DUMPED.

Like, after coming back from vacation, and you can finally take a good ..........................

Shit, I have been so entertained, lately, and soon, I hope you will be, too!

So, PLEASE check back in a few days : - )

Pumping Gas

Getting gas at the pump is no longer a simple process.   
 
1)  Will you be paying INSIDE or OUTSIDE?

2)  If you answered "INSIDE", will you be paying with CASH, CREDIT, or DEBIT?

3)  If you are paying with CASH, please pay the cashier BEFORE you pump your gas.

4) If you answered "OUTSIDE", will you be paying with CREDIT or DEBIT?

5) If you have a DISCOUNT CARD, please swipe it now.

6)  If you have a CREDIT CARD, please swipe it now.

7)  If you have a DEBIT CARD, please swipe it now.

8)  Please enter your PIN.

9)  Please enter your ZIP CODE.   

10)  Please enter the MAKE and MODEL of your car.

11)  Please enter the COLOR of your car.  

12)  Please enter the ITEMS YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST this morning.   

13)  Please enter the NAME of your CHILDHOOD PET.

14)  If you did not have a childhood pet, please pay INSIDE.     

15)  Please press thumb against glass for THUMBPRINT SCAN. 

16)  PLEASE WAIT for authorization. 

17)  Please choose which TYPE of GAS you will be using.(I hope you brought a sandwich because our pumps are running slow.)    

18)  Would you like a RECEIPT?  Yes, or no?

19)  Would you like to have your CAR WASHED?  Yes, or no? 

20)  If YES, please proceed to the car wash WITH YOUR RECEIPT.  

            If you said "NO" to receipt, but wanted your car washed,        

YOU ARE OUT OF LUCK,

AND WILL HAVE TO GET YOUR CAR WASHED ANOTHER DAY.    

21)  Please proceed on your route, 

           and disregard the gas station down the street

        that charges twenty cents a gallon LESS.  

THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE!

Tomorrow IS Today (A follow-up to yesterday's blog.)

Just to let you know that I am taking this horoscope "thing" seriously,
      I read my horoscope(s) again this morning (in The Washington Post).

 Sagittarius

"There's something terribly inconvenient and time-consuming

on your list of things to do. 

Take Solace in the fact that your ancestors got water from wells and killed their own food."

Capricorn

"You'll see how all the reading you do is paying off.  

You'll know an answer and will save yourself and your loved ones time and money because of this knowledge."

First of all, LAUGHING MY ASS OFF (LMAO)! 

"Take solace in the fact that my ancestors got water from wells and killed their own food????"

Is that like when our parents used to tell us, 

      "When I was young, we used to walk 20 miles, BAREFOOT in the SNOW, to get to school" ?

Which, in today's world, translates to:

     "When I was young, I had to ride the BUS to school, because I did not own a car. 

AND I had to stop and use something called a Pay Phone, if I wanted to make a call."

Humor aside, POINT TAKEN.   

As for Capricorn, although there is talk about a new book group forming, 

     I have not read anything substantial in months. 

Reading distracts me from my writing. 

I seem to only be able to immerse myself in one...........or  the other.

Uh oh. 

Hadn't thought about that, when I decided to become part of this new book group. 

Huh. 

So, I live another day as a Sagicapricorn.

And, don't worry. 

I am not going to do this every day. 

Besides, I won't have time. 

I am hanging a sign up on the door that reads...............

GONE HUNTING.

After that, I am going to the well (with my son, Jack), to fetch some water.

I may be gone for awhile. 

Identity Crisis

Turns out I am not who I thought I was.

For 42 years, I lived my life as a Capricorn,
     dutifully reading my Capricorn horoscope, and applying it to my life.

Major life decisions have been made,
     based on what my horoscope said (not really).

Thank goodness I did not get that tattoo,
     one drunken night (in my twenties). 

Wait.

I think that was a unicorn. 

I don't think I would actually have a "sea goat" tatooed to my Sagittari..........ass,
     no matter HOW many drinks I may have had (in my twenties). 

I pretty much just gave it away, but I have been told that I am now a Sagittarius.

That's like my parents telling me, after 42 years, that I was adopted.

I am not who I thought I was.   

At first, I denied it, and took a stand. 

     "I AM, ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, AND ALWAYS WILL BE A CAPRICORN!!!!!"

Then, I started to read a little bit about Sagittarius (my birth parent). 

SOME, but not ALL of the character traits made sense.

Just as SOME, but not ALL of the Capricorn character traits made sense.

So, I came up with a BRILLIANT solution. 

I can be a Capricorn AND a Sagitarius.

Eureka! 

After all, I am a grownup, and I can decide WHO I want to spend time with, and WHEN.

So, on days when I feel like a Sagittarius, I AM a Sagittarius. 

On days when I feel like a Capricorn, I AM a Capricorn.

Better yet, I could combine the two to make up one single identity.

Does Caprittarius or Sagicapricorn sound better?

Maybe, the accuracy of my horoscope(s) should determine my identity, each day.    

Today, my horoscopes in The Washington Post said the following:

Sagittarius

"You exude energy and joy when you feel good. 
That's why the situation that is most comfortable for you
will bring much happiness to everyone around you."

Capricorn

"You have a habit of watching for opportunities ,
and that is why you are luckier than the people who are too busy doing their own thing
to look around for good fortune." 

While both horoscopes sound appealing, I think (today) I am leaning more towards Sagittarius.

Because, I would have to say that when "I" am happy, those around me are happy. 
When I'm NOT happy, I will do my best to make those around me.............. miserable (not really). 

That would make me a SAGICAPRICORN.

I can't wait to find out who I will be tomorrow! 

Ice is Nice

Ice is nice

In a summer glass drink,

On a skating rink,

On a frozen branch stem.

In the light of a doorway,

A message on the phone,

Saying. "School is delayed. 

Please go back to bed."  
 

Ice is nice.

The Jar of Roasted Red Peppers

I stood in the grocery store aisle,
     and stared at the large jar of roasted red peppers for a good five minutes.

I was at home, making a pot of vegetarian chili,
     when the voice of inspiration came to me (ding!) -

"Roasted red peppers will add that flavor you are searching for,
     to make this recipe unique."

Unfortunately, I only wanted a small jar,
     compared to the econo-sized jar displayed on the shelf,
which was large enough to display small body parts in
      . . . . . . . . . .but let's not get off track.

 I went back and forth on whether to buy such a large jar,
     knowing that a good part of it would probably go to waste.

I finally decided to grab the jar off the top shelf, and put it in my cart.

When I arrived home, my youngest son helped me carry the grocery bags
     inside the house, resting them on the kitchen floor.

One by one, I lifted each bag up on top of the counter,
     emptying out the groceries, and putting them away.

When I lifted up the next bag . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

SMASH!

     "What the . . . . . . . .??!!" I said.

The large jar of roasted red peppers was apparently too heavy
     for the plastic grocery bag to contain it,
and it dropped right through the bottom, crashing onto the hard surface.

Like water spilling out of a broken levy, red pepper juice spilled

ALL OVER THE KITCHEN FLOOR.

And, 

     the roasted red peppers, 

lying on the floor, 

     amidst the broken glass, 

actually DID resemble a body part.  

The voice of inspiration spoke, once again.

     "You will not be adding roasted red peppers to your chili.
          You will now be mopping the floor."   

Crepe Surprise

It has become a tradition, in our family, to celebrate birthdays
at a place called, Sweet Berry,
where they serve homemade waffles, crepes, paninis, and gelato.

My birthday was up so, in keeping with tradition,
we met some friends there for brunch, yesterday morning.  

My older son ordered the waffle with fresh strawberries,
a scoop of chocolate gelato,
whipped cream, and a strawberry smoothy.


My younger son ordered a ham, turkey, and cheese panini,
"hold the mustard, and cheddar instead of swiss, please".

I ordered the omelet crepe, with mushrooms, peppers,
onions, and cheese,
and a cappuccino (to make it complete).

My crepe was delicious, but somewhere around that last bite . . .  

     Remember that song, One Of These Things (is Not Like the Others) ?

It was small and hard, and did not feel like any of the other ingredients.

I tried to convince myself that it was one of the peppers (extra crunchy).

Unfortunately, it was so small, that I could not capture it with my tongue.

Fortunately, it was so small, that I had no problem swallowing it.  

It went down the chute with the rest of my crepe. 

Soon after, as we were all sitting around the table talking, I noticed my plastic fork.

One of the prongs was just a little bit shorter than the others.

Mystery solved. 

Public Service Announcement ( Carpool for Dummies )

It's a carpool line. 

Not rocket science.  

Follow the cars in front of you ALL THE WAY UP TO THE END OF THE CIRCLE.

PLEASE DO NOT TEXT OR TALK ON CELL PHONES DURING THIS PROCESS.   

The carpool line requires your undivided attention and focus.  

Don't stop immediately in front of the school, so that your lazy child does not have to walk

an extra 20 or 30 feet.

YOUR CHILD WILL BE OKAY,

and may possibly burn off that candy bar that he had for breakfast,

not to mention, those few extra breaths of fresh air that are good for his brain

may help boost his grade point average . 

When you DO stop in front of the school,

you prevent others from being able to pull up to the curb.

This HOLDS UP THE CARPOOL LINE,

and backs it up ALL THE WAY ONTO THE MAIN STREET,

which (in turn) results in traffic issues for the people

WHOSE CHILDREN DO NOT EVEN GO TO THE SCHOOL,

and causes them to be late to work, which pisses THEM off,

and when THEY go to work, they take it out on their co-workers,

creating a hostile work environment, which trickles into the home life, 
 
which is why the divorce rate is so high (possibly) !  

( Big Breath ) 

Also, please make sure that you have had all necessary discussions with your child

PRIOR to pulling up to the curb.

This is NOT the appropriate time to have the talk about

"the birds and the bees" (although, this may get them out of the car more quickly).  

The curb is a "DROP-OFF, DISCUSSION-FREE" ZONE !

In addition, please make sure that your child has gathered

ALL OF HIS OR HER BELONGINGS BEFORE APPROACHING THE CURB!

This is NOT the time for your child to start putting his papers (laptop, cell phone, or blackberry)

in his bag,

or start tying his shoe laces ( or fastening the velcro ),

buttoning his shirt,

putting his tie on,

applying hair gel,

flossing his teeth, etc.  

Again, you are HOLDING UP THE CARPOOL LINE.  

So, in review:

1)  No texting or talking on cell phones (by you OR your child).  

2)  Pull up to the curb, AS FAR AS YOU CAN GO without exiting the parking lot or hitting the car in front  of you.  IF YOU HAVE ENTERED THE HIGHWAY, YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR.  

3)  Say good-bye to your child.

4)  Eject child from vehicle.

5)  Leave the carpool.  

 SIMPLE.

Oh, and one other thing that I must mention.     

NO CARS ALLOWED IN CARPOOL THAT HAVE AUTOMATIC OPEN AND SHUT DOORS.

It simply takes way too long for those doors to shut, which causes a hold up in the carpool line. 

Any questions ? ? ?

This has been a public service announcement.


( There is no proof that inefficient carpools have actually been linked to divorce.)

The Squirrel

Sitting atop the barren earth - frozen,

islands of snow all around, 

    a gray tailed squirrel, in search of a snack, 

scratches the cold, winter ground. 


I tried to capture a photo of this,
but the squirrel was too clever for me.
By the time I retrieved my camera,
like my children, he (too) did flee.  



Funny thing is, same time the next day,
he returned to the very same spot.
Unfortunately, my dog saw him, too
"Strike a pose", my squirrel friend did not.

Pre-show Entertainment

Last Saturday night,
my friend and I were sitting in the movie theater, enjoying our popcorn before the show.

People watching is inevitable, during this time.  

The previews have not yet started, and staring at a large, blank screen just simply is not enough to stimulate the mind. 

We noticed a couple (upper 40's to early 50's) sitting two rows in front of us.  

They were each engrossed in their blackberries (crackberries, blueberrries, cranberries),
or whatever they are calling them these days..

In that moment, I wished I could channel my inner Ellen Degeneres.

How I would have loved to have walked up and sat next to them.     

I would have pulled out my "blackberry" (which I do not own), and started "texting". 

I would have said something to the couple like,

     "Oh! I see you are texting, too.  Have to get those important texts in before the movie starts, because you never know what can happen in two hours." 

And I would have made sounds, in response to my "texts", like a laugh or a giggle;
a gasp, or a gaphaw, along with exaggerated facial expressions,
and possibly a loud hand slap on the knee. 


The couple would have looked at me in disbelief.      

And it would have been funny.

But, since I was not able to channel my inner Ellen Degeneres (although, Ellen IS my middle name), 
I resorted to coming up with stories in my head.

Why WOULD they be texting so frantically before the show, as if their lives depended on it?

Hmmmmmm. 

Maybe they are both OBGYN's, and they are making sure that none of their patients are going into labor before the movie starts.

OR

The mom (who is a control freak) is texting the babysitter.

The dad is texting the babysitter, too (for other reasons). 

OR

They both suffer from paranoia, and are texting to everyone they know before the movie starts,
JUST IN CASE THEY DON'T MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.  

So many possibilities.

Fortunately, the couple stopped the texting behavior when the movie started,
and as far as I know, they DID make it out alive.

Although, I did not see them leave. 

I raced out before them. 

I had to pee.  

"Hey, Diddle, Diddle" (The updated version)

My "w" ran away with my mouse (and the dish ran away with the spoon).


I WISH this were a nursery rhyme, but what really happened was................
      I spilled my coffee.
 

  ALL OVER MY LAPTOP KEYBOARD.

Fortunately, my reflexes responded quickly.

With no hesitation,
     I picked up my laptop and turned it over,
soaking up everything that I could with a paper towel.

All of this, while continuing the conversation (unpaused) on the phone with my mom,
     who was completely unaware of the situation.

At first, my computer seemed fine.

Until, I realized my mouse was not working.

Then, I discovered the letter "w" was not working, either.

Bugger (Shit).  

As it turns out, I use my "w" quite a bit.  

A friend of mine kindly offered to take my laptop to the computer repair shop,
     and informed me that it could cost $160.00 to have it repaired.

I don't recall anyone having to pay any money in Nursery Rhymes.

Can't the cat just play the fiddle and make it all right?

Here is MY version of  "Hey, Diddle, Diddle" - 
  

Hey, Diddle, Diddle

The Cat and the Fiddle

The Cow jumped over the house.

The "Little Dog" (spilled her coffee), and gasped at the sight

And the "w" ran away with the mouse.  

The "duck" said, "Quack, quack!

To get the "w" and mouse back,

just show me the money.......... honey."   

And was told (from now on), to drink de-caf, instead.

But, "the dog" did not think that was funny.  

 

The Anti-New Year's Resolution

I don't subscribe to New Year's Resolutions. 

First of all, in order to make a change in my life, I have to be in the right frame of mind,
     and a simple number change on the calendar is NOT going to do that for me. 

Not to mention that January, February, and March have to be the three most
     NON motivational months of the year.

I mean, think about it.

Why would someone choose to START going to the gym during the COLDEST months, when the days are shorter (less sunlight), and the cold and flue germs are rampant?

Sure. 

One might start out strong. 

Like a church on Christmas Eve, the gyms are suddenly packed with people.

But, the early mornings out into the frigid, winter temperatures gets old fast,
     and staying under the covers an extra hour, where it is warm and cozy -
a whole lot more tempting.

And, going to the gym after work (in the dark) is no picnic, when all you really want to do is go home
     and eat dinner, while watching Glee and Parenthood on the television set (those just happen to be MY favorites), then go to bed!

Not to mention those germs. 

Like church on Christmas Eve. 

While I realize this sounds like the anti-exercise commercial, I am normally a very positive person, and do  believe that exercise is important. 

But........................... SERIOUSLY.

January is NOT the time to get back on that horse (or bike, or treadmill), or get on it for the first time.

My advice? 

When you arrive home tonight, put your comfy clothes on, curl up on the couch with a nice meal,
and tune your television set to Glee (then switch to Parenthood at 10:00). 

Wait until a "happier" month to start your exercise,
     or whatever else it is that you would like to improve upon.

April is just around the corner, and by then,
     the Glee and Parenthood seasons will have ended, anyways.

Yes, this is ME giving you permission to be a couch potato,
     so curl up and enjoy. 

Ahhhhhh..............................